Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I just tested negative for patience.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”