There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
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No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer