Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)