Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.