Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.