My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
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Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
The USS B port
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.