Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.