*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.