[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]