Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
very niche meme I made
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?