i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*looks at you in batman voice*
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Lol #dogsoftwitter
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.