“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Gods work.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My teenage children choosing violence
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit