[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
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I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
getting groceries
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.