A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
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When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go