Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
You Might Also Like
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I think my mom just blocked me
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag: