people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
You Might Also Like
What about second breakfast?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!