Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Best spoiler warning ever
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people