Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys