Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?