a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.