If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
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If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
A family that plays together cheats.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
#Caturday
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Who chose this font
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Mistakes were made
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket