It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
pelicons
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.