My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
yea so i messed up lol
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away