A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.