A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.