first you must answer his riddles
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What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
new record!
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of