If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
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[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*