Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
mariah carrie