You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
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Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”