I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You can’t rush stupid.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”