“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Bloody internet 😳
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
This is not me but this is me
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Seems a bit forward
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.