If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
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mathematically impossible
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
WHY?!
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.