If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I’ve had worse
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.