M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
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“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
good work, everybody
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.