Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.