Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
relationship goals
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.