You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A friend helps you before you need it
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant