[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
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After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
LA today:
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.