[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.