guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone