Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others