It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment