imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
A sick whale is called an unwhale
🤣✨#caturday
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower