Horrifying if literal: foot locker
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Saint West, the patron of selfies
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
hmmm
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.