[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me