ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
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funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie