{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
You Might Also Like
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.