The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
You Might Also Like
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Always 🥴
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.