On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?