Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
.. do you even science?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Print is alive and well!!!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.